Monday, 31 October 2016

A love letter to my baby daughter

My darling daughter,

I am writing to tell you how much I love you. There are so many things I want to say to you and yet I struggle to find the words because my love for you is something so profound and overwhelming. I have known love in many forms throughout my life, but not like this. It is as though I have discovered I have a whole other chamber in my heart that I never knew existed, dedicated to loving you. Nothing in the world could prepare me for this kind of love. You are my biggest dream, my life's ambition, the completion of myself. I have dreamed about you ever since I can remember and now that you are real and sleeping in your cot upstairs as I write, I am filled with complete disbelief and wonder.

Looking back at the photographs of your birth it is as if I have always known you. There you were, a tiny wrinkly bundle, but it was YOU; the beginning of you; and the whole world had changed forever because you were now in it.

From the moment I first heard you cry, I cried with you. I will always share your every sorrow but even when I want to cry with you I will try my best to be strong for you. I will always be there for you, you can always cry on my shoulder no matter how big or small the thing is that made you so sad, whether you're crying because you're hungry or because someone was mean to you or because you feel confused. It doesn't matter what it is, know that you can always come to your mama and I will try my best to make it better. I will carry you. I will carry you when you are 4 months old and just need to be close. I will carry you when you are 3 years old and your little body is tired from playing outside all day. I will carry you when you are 5 years old and you've scraped your knee. And when you get too heavy to carry I will carry your heart always. So if someone ever says to me that I'm spoiling you by carrying you, I will laugh them off and I will carry you and carry you and carry you while you're still little because I know that one day you will run to me in tears and I will wish for the days when I could just scoop you up and hold you close and feel your breath growing steady against my neck.

I love you so much my darling. I love you more than you can possibly understand. Hopefully when you have a child of your own one day you will start to comprehend my unconditional love for you. Until that time I will make sure that you feel my love every day, for you should feel as loved as you are, always. You will surely do things to make me cross but no matter how cross I ever get with you, I want you to know that nothing you do will ever make me love you any less. You can always come to me and I so hope that you will and if one day there is something that you don't want to share, I will understand and I will be there for you still.

I wish I could bottle every memory, every giggle and every sigh so I can relive every moment of your precious presence over and over, but life and time is fleeting; it does not stand still and it does not come again. It gallops away from us like wild horses, obstinate and unrelenting. So I will drink in every ounce of your existence and I can only hope to remember all the little details of our precious moments together...slow-dancing with you at 3am in the warm darkness of your room to help you into dreamland, sleeping with you in my arms and feeling your little hands in my neck and your breath against my skin, hearing you laugh out loud for the first time - the happiest, most beautiful, surprising sound I had ever heard, playing 'catch' with you for the first time and hearing you shriek with joy as you caught the ball.

I love you my baby. 

With all of my love and all of my heart forever,